How Did I Get Here?

My position right now in life is not one I imagined.  How did I get here?

I Messed Up My Life

I know, probably because I am autistic and struggled too much, this is why I messed up my life.  I grew up without knowing what I should be doing, I just lived without thinking, without seeing and without following the right advice.  I know I should have listened more to my mum regarding relationships but also I should never have listened to the advice I was given at school.  I was never selfish enough, ambitious enough or strong enough.  I was bullied by many people who used me and walked all over me.  I never thought to just think about myself and fo what I wanted to do and take control. I let my rough life drag me along when I should have been dragging life on with me.  I didn't do enough for myself and certainly never appreciated how short life actually is.  I am 49 today and i really am getting fucking too old and I feel it's too late to go and get the life I dream of.

What I Would Have Wanted

I would have liked to have been able to make a difference in the world, make the world a better place.  I should have had a better education, a better job and got myself into a position where my actions could have changed people's life's.  I never gave myself a chance at that.  The world is well and truly in a mess right now and like most people, I do not have any power to make a difference.  I could have worked in space research, politics, government, environmental work, AI or something that would make a difference and yet here I am with no real good career - I mean I assist in feeding people by cleaning things.  A job anyone could do at a place where every job is one that can be easily replaced.  So yeah I would have liked to be able to make a difference in a more specialized field.

I always wanted to live in a castle with a beautiful wife and and family and be rich and yet I have been single for over eleven years with two grown up children and no castle and I am certainly not rich.  I am the lowest of the low like most people who are in the same career path as myself.  No love, no dreams fulfilled and time has moved on far too fast.  My biggest dream was to have a female who truly loved me and that never happened and I doubt ever will now. 

A Different Kind Of Happiness

I never thought in my life I would never be married or tied up with someone.  I never thought I would be alone with nobody and planing a life permanently single.  I went through life believing if your a nice person, a gentleman, a good law abiding person then a nice women would arrive at some time and be that one I would spend the rest of my life with - I was so very wrong about that.  I realise now that what I mentioned above is a surefire way to never be loved because women never like the good men and yes I know plenty of bad horrid men who get with amazing women plenty of times.  They cheat in life, they are nasty, break the law, cheat on partners, sleep around, use people and put on a fake image.  They are the kind of guys who don't know the meaning of nice.  They have a way to put on a show using deceptive, dishonerable skills to get the women they want.  Women fall for the show they put on and never see past the fake show. 

So my happiness has to come from the single life, all from myself.  If your with a partner or wife happiness comes from the both of you.  My happiness has to come from other methods because of my single life.  Its just me and so I have to work out a different kind of happiness and finding that sweet spot is not an easy task.  Working out what makes me happy and contented is the hard part.  Many times I sit down, stand up, pace the room, go downstairs and repeat when I am in-between doing things.  It's these moments that I need to control more and I know I need to learn how to relax. 

My Long Term Life

So I have decided to try to buy a small home and to forget about all thoughts of ever living with anybody again or having a relationship with anyone again.  My last relationship and housemate has put me off doing that again as have all the women who were messing with me and talking shit about me when my mum was critically ill with cancer and after she died.  My ex was nothing but bad for my physical and mental health and the women who were messing with me were toxic, stupid, heartless, nasty and thoughtless.  The people who believed the women were just the same.  So yeah stupid women and people have put me off getting close to anybody ever again.  So I am now trying to get a new home and I have a new outlook of life.  An easy to manage, cost effective property is best for me.  If I get what I am after then that will be me with a long-term home and a long-term single and housemate free life.