How Love And Romance Went Wrong For Me

I am nearly forty-nine years old and my experience of relationships has not been the best.

The Four And A Half Year Relationship

I was not even looking for love, girls or anybody but unintentionally at work I was flirting with a young lady with a hosepipe(Yes my regular fans, same workplace, same hosepipe location but different hosepipe lol.) We had been chatting a lot and I never even considered she was interested in me but one day she demanded I give her my mobile number and so I did and it must have only been a couple of days that we were messaging when she suddenly told me she had split up with her boyfriend and asked me round to hers and before I knew it we were a couple. We kept it quiet at work for a couple of weeks and then at the work Christmas party we let loose and were literally all over each other and so the news was out! A year later she became pregnant, not long after we got engaged. Life was amazing, we moved from her council flat to a council house and we had some rough times there and so we decided to buy our own house and we did! Things were alright but it was hard work bringing up my son and both of us working. My fiancee had left where I worked and got a part time job and we were happy but slowly things slid and life became a struggle. I struggled with the weird over the top family events with her parents and made so many excuses to escape. Many times I would stay at home while she visited her parents. When we first got pregnant she had stopped smoking but suddenly I kept smelling smoke on her but I thought nothing of it, she said it was from her brothers smoking. She lied because I found a packet of cigarettes in a draw and I was hurt that she was lying to me. We argued and I wasn't bothered about her smoking again but I was about the lies. Our relationship was not very good, I wasn't happy. It must have been three years in and we both decided to have another baby and it was rock n roll time and sure enough my daughter was created. This did not solve the relationship issues and then I found a credit card in her handbag while searching for our Blockbusters card(A movie renting shop.) I later found a letter about a credit card and I questioned her about it and she told me she had destroyed the credit card.(The one I had already found.) And so I new she was lying to me again. This became a regular thing where she was lying and we just kept fighting about her lies and then before I knew It I told her to go, to leave me and she did. I knew this was the end and she moved back for a while but turned into an awful women. Our daughter was growing and she was just been so horrible and we split up for good and took our engagement rings off. We kept fighting, she kept been a bitch. I went out for a night out and explained where I was going and she deliberately went to the same place all over other guys which angered me. I decided to leave the house we both owned and go back to my mothers house. It was then I was bullied and threatened by her whole family and I called the police on them. So four and half years and the relationship was well and truly over. I volunteered to pay child maintenance but she stopped me seeing my own children and so I took her to court and fought to see my children. Of course I was always going to win contact with my children and the we worked out the days and every weekend I saw my children and had some very good quality time with them. We sold the house but most of the profit from that was spent on paying child maintenance and treating my children and helping mum pay for the bills etc.. Looking back I would say the relationship moved too fast and was a mistake and I don't believe I ever loved her but I did get two amazing children but I lost so much money trying to be a good dad and have that quality time with them. It started good and ended terrible and I struggled to recover from it for a long time.

The Six Months Thing

I met a women online but she lived a few hours away and so we chatted on the phone for a long time and eventually I drove to see her. We got on alright but something wasn't right. I would keep driving after my time with my children and see her but I then had to get back fast for my work. I met some of her friends but slowly I learned I had walked into a trap. This women had given me a false name, a false job and was not the person I thought she was. She told me she was a policewomen when in actual fact she was been investigated by social service and the police for child abuse and so that was the end of that and I was so angry finding the truth out I drove so fast away from her that I nearly crashed my car, I was fuming and felt so stupid to have fallen into a trap like that.

Kira

I met her at work and we talked a lot, had a laugh a lot and she seemed to be a nice person but not very attractive but we got on well. She was flirting with me a lot. At one stage I used the same hosepipe at work that had lead to me and my ex getting together on Kira(Regular fans – remind me not to flirt with anyone using a hosepipe) god this sounds so bad! So she was after me, got my number and I agreed to meet her for a drink. I wasn't really thinking that we could be together but I met her anyway and we talked and I agreed to give her and me a go. I had been struggling at work with anxiety and depression and I was most certainly not thinking right. I was on antidepressants at the time. I liked having a girlfriend because it improved my mood and gave me a lift. It didn't take long before I was rescuing her from drug dealers and dodgy people where she lived and my mum let her stay with us. My mum didn't really like her much and I think she thought we would fall out or something. We left mums and rented a house and things were good for a while. We had fun but hell I was struggling with my health and I was been sick all the time. After many doctor visits, mediation and a couple of hospital visits It was found that I had a hernia. They kept me on medication but I was still been sick a lot but I presumed it was because I had this hernia. I was real bad with anxiety and depression and been sick a lot that nothing was good about life. I stepped down from my job to a lower paid job because I could not cope and every day seemed like a battle. At some stage Kira and I got engaged then I stopped it and I told her it was over and then we got back together and engaged again and then we split up again and engaged again and I realised that I was happier not with her and so once and for all I ended it, I didn't love her anyway – that was about eleven years ago – The relationship lasted a year and a half. I was free and single, I spent most of my time in my bedroom and she had her bedroom but spent most of the time downstairs. We agreed to stay living together as friends. I continued to have anxiety and depression issues and was sick every day still. I tried to find another girlfriend but struggled.

I battle on and but then I found out that Kira was spending all the rent money on Fornite and I was very mad at her. She had got us in so much trouble. My bank balance was in major debt. Over the year and half relationship I had paid so many debts of hers off and never asked for it back. Even as friends/ housemates every time we or her needed something I was the one who could get credit while she could not and it was always her saying ill pay you back and never did. Kira kept not paying the rent and spending it on Fortnite and I was in too much debt because of her and then we moved into a flat before we were in any more trouble because of her. The same problems were ever present like my depression and been sick and her getting me into more debt. Kira carried on saying that she would pay me back and never did – I was the idiot that bought her Playstation and received nothing for it. She said she would pay me back for the cooker I bought and never did. She would always run out of money and borrow mine and never gave me it back.

When I found out that she was going after under eighteen year Old's on Fortnite and arranging to meet them and putting my daughter in danger I was so angry with her. I nearly called the police because of her contact with children. My mum rescued me again and I left to live with mum again. Not long after moving back in with my mum I stopped been sick and my mood improved and I came off the antidepressants. Life was better apart from my mums cancer battle(But that another story.) So a big mistake it was getting together with Kira and she was clearly making me ill and poorly from the start of the whole thing. One and a half years as a couple and the rest as housemates which only gave me debt and sickness. A massive mistake which I so, so pleased to be out of now.

So Eleven Years Of Been Single

After all that time I have failed to find love, romance, anything and me be me wants something special but is so scared of getting with the wrong person, falling into a trap again, getting someone who will make me ill again. I have never found anyone despite trying and it will certainly take someone special to get me in a relationship again. I gave up so many times and then tried again when I was living with Kira and when I was not. I kind of hit stages where I can't see the point in trying. No relationship I have had has gone well, I have never been truly happy. I have not had any feelings for anybody in eleven years, never loved anyone in eleven years, never had sex with anyone in eleven years and never had any romance in a whole eleven years and you know what! - I would much prefer to have had nobody then to have got with the wrong person again.