Reaching The Point Of No Return

I have had a lot of problems to get through these last couple of years and now I realise things will never be the same again and that the life I used to think I had or could have had is now gone. I have reached the point of no return!

How It Was Until Recently

I was me living life as best I could, dreaming of finding love and seeing my growing children, caring for my mother and feeling pretty much like I could return to been more like the younger me. I still thought that I was invincible, like I could do what I wanted, have more kids, change work if I wanted, go and do what I wanted and yet I was fooling myself. It was the normal case of me been a single guy with two children(Most of my life.), someone who longed for true love, someone who desired passion, someone who was creative, fit, healthy who was always a nice guy with a good heart. I have been the Mr nice guy kind of person all my life but this last two years have changed me so much and I have learnt so much that everything has changed and I have reached that tipping point.

What Happened

I will go through a short description step by step.

I helped my mother fight cancer for six and half years and she died. My mother was always the one that I could turn too, she was always there for me and I for her. If I split up from a partner I could always go back home and live with mum, If I had difficulties I could always rely on mum to help me out. So this backup and help in life is no longer available and god I miss my mum.

I was met with hostile, nasty behaviour from people I saw the best in. I always thought people were generally nice and yet I was lied about and bullied. I never realised how cruel, stupid and vindictive people could be until this point and now I just cannot see people the same. They believed the most crazy and stupid things about me, listened to dumb people’s gossip and lies and they really showed me how utterly stupid they were. I went through my life until this point thinking people were generally reasonably intelligent, nice and good natured and yet now I know people really are unintelligent, bad natured, selfish and uncaring beyond doubt. They take happiness from people’s struggles and difficulties and then try their best to make that person feel worse for there own entertainment. I see this on social media, on the news and in person. So my view of people has now completely changed.

I left living with someone who was the cause of my anxiety, depression and overall health including been physically sick a lot. I would never have thought spending time with the wrong person could effect me so badly. One of my biggest mistakes and ill never make that mistake ever again. So now I assess whether someone is going to be bad for me before I make any kind of connection to that person. I now realise that relationship of any kind can lead you to issues and problems that are bad and so now I don’t worry about relationships and been with people, I am better off on my own.

I encountered health problems including high blood pressure, aches and pains, an issue with my heart and I began not being able to see things close up to me or really small writing. I was doing the things I always did and yet now I realise I am not the man I was twenty years ago and I am in actually fact getting older. The health problems I have had are common in people my age and they have crept up on me slowly and bitten me on my arse. I was in a pretty bad way, especially with the blood pressure which is now resolved but this whole getting older things is just something I never thought about before. Now I realise that no I can’t be that same person I used to be again and yes I am getting older – I think its classed as middle aged but I just see it as getting older. So from a health perspective I need to take more care of myself.

My children have become older and doing there own thing and I now realise that my days of been the single guy with two kids has changed into the single guy with two grown up kids which has changed everything. Now I don’t see my children as much and I have so much time alone its unreal. Now all I fear is becoming a grandad and its like how the hell did I get here to be at risk of having the grandad title!! Its a strange feeling to have to be honest that this has become a possibility.

The Point Of No Return

So yes that point of no return is now and there is no going back. I have not got my mother to rely upon, I have not really got anybody to save my arse now. My kids are growing up and I would not want to make myself their responsibility as they have their own lives to live now. I am single as always and yet I feel an odd sense of at ease with this fact as I certainly do not want to get with anyone who may cause me issues like illness or may be a risk for me as like I already said I have not got my mother to bail be out if things went wrong. So any relationships of any kind, even friendship must be with somebody amazing and good for me. I need to think about my health more as I am getting older, I need to remember that and there really is no more Mr nice guy and ill never see people in a good and/or intelligent light again until they have proved that is the case. I have been used and abused far too many times in my life and now there is no turning back. There Is Only One.