So It's Just Me

The dealing with death alone was probably one of the hardest things that I ever had to deal with. The loss of my mother was incredibly difficult. Losing things you had for whatever reason is difficult to get through and to get your head around.

Loss

I lost several things in a row. First I lost a friend because of some bad things she was doing, she was also a housemate who I lived with for a long time. Losing that constant company was difficult but was certainly for the best. She was my only friend.

I lost my children been little and they grew up and that left a big gap in my life. It felt like it happened so quickly. I went from spending every weekend with them both to just one day with one of them a week. I miss them been little. Now they are slowly going from me like children do when they grow up.

I lost my mum who I had been caring for and living with. This was the biggest loss. My mum was my best friend. This was the biggest challenge to get through.

I lost my youth and suddenly realised I was getting older and acknowledging how old I had become was hard as it felt like it happened too fast.

The Gaps

Everything above left massive gaps in my life and left me so lonely, fragile and lost. No friends, children growing up, no mother and just the getting older me suddenly having to reshape the life that had been a constant for me over twenty years.(Apart from the friend/housemate.)

Everything changed. No more chit chat about life with the ex friend/ housemate, no more having to pick my children up on Saturday and Sundays and care fur them, no more taking mum out, going on trips out with her, talking about life and everything in it with her, no more caring for mum. I was just left empty with no purpose apart from work and carry on living.

The Lack Of Adult Conversation

This has been a big loss. I could talk to mum, the ex housemate about my life and ask for advice etc. I talk to my dad on my phone once a week, I talk with my son once a week and that's where the adult conversation stops. At work I have a job to do and what little conversation I have is not anything like on the same level as the conversation I used to have with my mum or what I have once a week with my son and my dad. Work conversation's are completely different and I barely talk with anybody at work. There Is only a few people who can even talk like adults but I and them are there to work. So twice a week I have a proper conversation, so around two to three hours of normal conversation a week is all I have. I miss talking with my mum and having company every day. Now I really am just spending most days talking to myself.

Autism

Because I am autistic I don't even know how to make friends. I have gone all my life with only one friend at a time since I started school. There has been gaps before where I have gone years with no friends but I always had my mum there and now I have no mum or any friends. Twice female friends I made just turned into partners, just like the ex friend/ housemate did for a year and a half until I knew it wasn't right and we stayed friends/ housemates. Because I am autistic, socialising is difficult for me and groups of people or busy places I have to avoid. I can't spend time in say a pub and any events perhaps I could have gone to I don't go to because they are too much for me.

When I Talk To Myself

When I talk to myself it certainly makes me feel better than if I stayed silent. There has been days where I have not talked and my mood goes downhill and causes me so much anxiety and then I start struggling to talk at all. Making YouTube videos helped me to talk but then I was only making them to make myself feel better by talking and it's fun making videos. Talking to myself can make me look like a crazy man when actually people who do talk to themselves are scientifically proven to be more intelligent. However talking to myself can lead me open to bullying just like making YouTube videos does. Because people are mostly unintelligent, making videos can lead people not to understand me. This is also true when I use social media when people are too dumb to understand me and believe stupid things over what what I say which is above their intelligence.

So It's Just Me

So yeah it's just me trying to find a life for myself and trying to adjust to living life alone and talking to myself. There Is Only One