The Becoming Of Older Me

It's difficult when you suddenly get hit by the fact that you are becoming older. It doesn't happen just like that, you live life and it crawls up on you and before you know it you just know that you are getting older and you can't do the things you used to do or the things you would like to do or not become. You are never given a lesson in getting older, you just suddenly find yourself qualified for it.

My Reality Check

The First Signs

I lost my mother, she suffered with cancer and all the problems that come with it. I lost the one women that I had who would always save my arse if needed and then I walked into a highly dangerous position when my blood pressure had increased to dangerous levels and I could have had a stroke, a heart attack or died - it's as simple as that. I was dizzy, wobbly, had blurred vision, I was sick and that could have been the end of me. I was then and am 48 years old. This realisation of being completely alone without my mum and my blood pressure issue was the first reality check that I getting older.

The Second Signs

My two children are grown up - 20 and nearly 23, my daughter has a boyfriend and it would not take much to turn me into a grandad - how did this happen! Me a grandad!! You just don't consider that this could happen, all my life it felt like an impossible thing because you feel you are not old enough and yet here I am old enough and being a grandad is a real possibility. I only ever saw a grandad as someone old and I guess that's certainly a reality check too and you know that you are getting older and older.

The Third Sign

I found myself not wanting to do the things I used to do. I used to play music all the time, I used to game and awful lot and I thought that perhaps I could start a family again with someone and have more children and be a new dad once more but then it hits you that you have changed. I realised that time was going faster, days, weeks, months and years. I found that I didn't want to play music and play games all the time and I did not want the bullshit in life any more like social media. I realised that I was older and wanted an easier life without stress or lots of noise. I realised that I no longer had to worry or look after my mum, my children or anyone but myself and that was something that I hadn't done for far too many years. Getting older was also a case of refinding myself and possible redefining myself.

The Forth Sign

I realised how lonely I had become and how society has changed where people are not as friendly or nice. I realised I really was on my own in the world. I realised that finding a younger women and possibly starting a new family was dead and gone and I just would not want that anymore. Age is just a number they say but that's stupid because you change as you age things you could do you struggle with more. I couldn't see myself caring for young children and giving them the time and attention required again, I realised that I am not young anymore. The loneliness was one of the biggest signs of getting older and the feeling of not fitting in with the younger generation more and more. The giving up on having that classic family structure of mum, dad and children together was gone from me forever and the realisation of possible been alone for the remainder of my life hit me hard. I knew I was getting older and so now I plan a life best for someone who is getting older.

The Fifth Sign

Simply regrets. The thoughts about time gone by, all the women I liked, the way things went. Today I remembered a women called Sharon who I worked with. I gave her a lift home most weekdays. We become so close but she was married. I confessed my feelings but her marriage was more important. She was older than me but I still wonder where that may have gone and what become of her. That was the start of me not getting close to married women or women with boyfriends. I think about the women I know I will always like who I did nothing about. I know deep, deep down that she will always be that one women in my whole life that I regret not doing something about and now it's too late, because time has flown by and things change and I am older. People will say "How can you like someone that much without them been your girlfriend or partner!" But for me it's those people that probably have never known the same feelings I have. I think truly that for the first time in my life I have known someone truly special and amazing and yes I have questioned my own thinking and feelings about this. Love can come in many ways and be felt differently by people but I really do believe that when you find that special one you just know it could be love and it becomes part of you wether you are with that person or not. It may sound weird to most people but unless they were in my position and felt how I do then they wouldn't know. Love is something even science cannot explain. I regret not telling her how I feel about her and regret not taking action about it sooner and now it's too late. So the last sign of getting older is regrets.

Conclusion

And so the reality hit me and yes I know I am getting older and I need to plan ahead and make decisions based around my age. I need to firmly place hopes of reliving my youth away and concentrate and plan for my future of becoming older and older. As for love it has just become a regret as I already know who I may possibly love and I am not with her and so nobody else could ever compare to her. Think of it like this: people love god when god doesn't really exist, so who is to say I can not love someone who does exist without them been my partner? What if? What sounds more crazy, loving someone who never was real or possibly loving someone who is real? Anyone I did get together with never could get my heart like she did and has. Even if I did find someone to be with It would feel like a lie because I know who I will like, like I do forever, she is so special. So anyone in my future will always be a second best which wouldn't be love, it would just be a case of making do. It is highly unlikely I will ever know anyone as special as her and I regret not doing something about it but I don't regret things like not seeing the world or not getting a better job etc.. so all in all I am getting older and I now need to think wiser and make the correct decisions based around what is best for myself.