The Pride Of Creating Something/ Confidence

People may not realise this and yet its pretty straight forward really. One of my biggest issues my whole life has been having low confidence, at school, collage and at work. This problem has effected my relationships, social integration, work, skills and pretty much everything in my life. I think I am only now starting to get past this issue.

When People Put You Down And Bully You

I have been bullied so many times, at school and at work. This has always made me struggle. I am autistic and people don’t like someone a little different, especially when they are better than them. I am not dumb, if anything I am intelligent in my own ways and I have lots of skills other people can only dream of. My best skill is been a good hearted individual and not many people have that skill, for me its natural. When people deliberately cause trouble for you, put you down, threaten you, punch you, lie about you, use you, make fun of you and make life so difficult and then when you do try and stand up for yourself and nobody listens its heart-breaking. This has been a life long pattern I found myself in. Even within the last two years at the age of 48 I have found myself in a bad hurtful position. Life has had a habit of kicking me every time I do well or feel happy. This level of hate against me just for been me can’t be put down to anything been wrong with me but has to be put down to the society I was born into and how not very nice the majority of people are. I wasn’t born with natural social skills as I found out later on in life I was autistic. I was never like others in how nasty, jealous, stupid, manipulative, hurtful and harmful people are. I was always the harmless nice, loving, smart, caring boy and man and I still am. I can’t just turn off been a good person like other people can do. People appear to be capable of been nasty at will, where that has never been in me and this inability to be nasty, hurtful and stand up for myself in nasty, violent and aggressive ways has always led me to struggle to fight those kind of people. I have never had the talk either, the social skills to threaten, to talk my way round people, to manipulate people at will and to use people – non of this has ever been in my personality. This decency, this good heart of mine has proved to also be my downfall. I am one of the nicest people you could ever know and that does not help me when people are generally not nice at all. All this just makes my confidence low and it effects me big time.

Creating Something

My way to combat my low confidence is to do things I am good at without putting me in any risky situations and so having my own sites, my YouTube and doing online things is an effective and less risky thing to do than place myself in the real world among people who would not be nice to me and people who would make my confidence lower because of the reasons mentioned above. The major social media platforms have become so toxic, a lot like real life and are making people even more toxic and nasty. Its fair to say me doing mainstream social media fails to lift my confidence now because of what it has become. Many years ago I owned small chat sites and that increased my confidence because I could chat online to people and make friends without the stress of real life bringing me down. I remember a lovely lady from Sweden who was such a nice person and we exchanged real gifts, I sent her my writing and letters(Yes the same writing I have posted on this site from 2010,) and she sent me some t-shirts and some music CD’s. I still have the t-shirts and still wear them and some of the music CD’s. We lost touch when I got with my ex – another regret to go with the other regrets getting with my ex caused me. I had a real life mistake too relating to this lovely lady as I lent someone from my workplace some of those CD’s she gave me and that man stole it and never returned them. The guy I never saw again, another person who I thought was a friend who let me down, that is all people do, let me down and use me. The CD’s were not something I could get back because they come from Sweden and from the lovely lady and was mixed specially for me. A typical thing that happens to someone nice like me.

Making my own sites is fun, hard work but fun and creating my writing, my blog posts and working on a site grows my confidence. I have been making my own websites for so many years now and I am good at it. Writing stories, posts and building a site is not an easy thing to do and yes it is easier now for me but it was not always like that. Writing stories and posts is not an easy task, the ideas don’t just grow on trees and many people would not even know what to write. I am proud to have created my sites and done my writing as I know its not something many people can do. I am not bothered about getting likes, or pleasing anyone, getting famous or making money from it – all I do it for is to increase my confidence and give me something in life to work on, to create.

Standing Up For Myself

I now find myself in a great position as my confidence is high and I have my site, I got my T-Shirts made with my site logo on and my phrase, “There Is Only One!” on. Walking around today with my t-shirt on gave me confidence and pride, I was living my new brand, my new online self. The previous brand I created was my Paul1576 which grew online over so many years so starting again with a new brand, a new name is not going to just produce the same results as my Paul1576 would have. Because I was bullied by people I let my confidence drop and ended up deleting everything I had worked for years on, and so Paul1576 became nothing, it died. I had a YouTube with so many subscribers and content, I had a blog, I had social media accounts with a lot of followers on. Everything ended up going because of the same kind of people I wrote about further up on this post.

So I decided now to stand up for myself and re-brand myself online and create my site with my new name. This has lifted my confidence so much and starting again online is fantastic for me. Creating a site, content, writing again and wearing my t-shirts is such a boost for me and I won’t ever let people bring me down ever again! I will now stand up for myself. Now I realise beyond doubt that pretty much the majority of the worlds population is just pretty bloody stupid I can now say that I really do not give a shit what people say about me, think about me or anything because their opinion is not relevant now, it never was. I let people bring my confidence down most of my life and I never thought that it was them that was the problem, I always punished myself for their actions and blamed myself, I let people get to me. Now I realise its not me and its them that have the issues and problems I can now do anything I want. I am the good guy, always was, always will be and if people wanna act bad, dumb and just plain stupid then that is fine by me but they can go pick on someone else because I will not have any of that shit put on me ever again. Thank you for reading and remember – There Is Only One!